Driving with anxiety

Learning to drive, while dealing with anxiety has been a process, not just learning to drive but learning how to deal with the anxiety that accompanies it.

I took a week off from my weekly lessons because my test got canceled and I decided i haven't take a week off since April, I think I regret it. The anxiety had never gone away completely, I had gotten more comfortable with the situation but the anxiety never truly calmed and after taking a week off my anxiety about going back is worse.

Sometimes I just wish things were easy, that I could just get back on the horse instead on cowering in the corner but if things were easy I wouldn't grow, so here I'm hoping that when the day comes I haven't forgotten what I'm doing.

Yay anxiety....

Again..!

I really do suck at blogging.

Although I always come back so that has to say something right ?

Any way I've swapped my blog over to make it easier for me to access on certain devices, maybe now i'll write again.

Laser tattoo removal 1 week update!

It has been a week since i had lasers beamed into my arm.

So far so good, the first sort of itching I've had have started today and a little bit of aloe and it was fine. I had some pin prick bleeding on the day, but nothing since. I got some small blisters but nothing painful, nothing that caused a problem. It has been a little tender (felt like I had a bruise) but only if I put too much pressure on it.

I have already noticed some fading, and am feeling really good about it looking forward to my next session (which makes me sounds like a masochist ).

Week one complete.

If anything changes I'll update if nothing major happens I'll update in a couple of weeks.

My laser tattoo removal experience

Day 1
This morning at 11am I had my first laser tattoo removal session at a local clinic.
It took a while for me to chose this clinic and I looked around, checked reviews, and settled on this one, I booked a consultation, the people were nice, the building was clean, the technician was honest and to the point, yet friendly and welcoming.

I went home and spoke with my mum about it and we decided this was the one. we booked my first session and now here we are.

I'll start with a bit about my tattoo, its sheet music on my lower arm on the outside, very poorly done, was already very faded, only about a year old, terrible scratcher job.

My first session, I arrived just before my appointment this morning, was seen too and taken to the room almost immediately. The technician sat down and went over all the important information with me and the moved me to the bed. I sat on a chair with my arm on the bed, had a photo of the tattoo taken and she explain exactly what she was going to do, gave me my googles asked if I was ready, I said yes and she started.

The pain. The pain was apparent but not intolerable, I had to think to talk through it, but I could still talk. The procedure barely took 5 minutes so the pain didn't last long either. The technician the applied aloe vera gel wrapped me up and I was headed out the door again. I was in the building for about 15 minutes maximum.

5 hours on and I'm feeling good, slight tingling sensation and some swelling but I'm not in pain or uncomfortable in anyway.

Overall it was a very pleasant experience, I'm impressed with the everything I've experienced so far, I will update again in 7 days to see how things have been.

Driving update 2

So I'm about 13 ish ( I lost count) lessons in and not much has changed. I'm still having really bad anxiety and panic attacks the day and night before and the morning of, but I still get in the car and drive.

I no longer want my instructor to do it all for me as I know I am capable but I still vibrate with anxiety the whole time. (Interesting choice of words me)

We have been talking theory and practical tests which brings a whole different level of panic which sucks but it's something i'll have to deal with eventually, not that knowing that makes it any easy if anything knowing that I have to face it makes it worse.

I don't get as paranoid at traffic lights, ok maybe I do I'm just better at accepting it than before because I do feel slightly more confident than last time I updated. (yay things are looking up)

I'll update again in a few weeks or sooner if anything changes.

In the mean time, if anyone actually reads this and has any advice or idea to help or even a story to share about their experiences, please let me know.

It has been a while

I really suck at this blogging thing, I really want to do it and so it well, maybe it's because I'm lazy, maybe it's because of my insecurities, maybe a mix of both, but I'm going to keep trying and who knows maybe I'll actually post regularly.

A thing I miss

You know what I am missing in my life ?

I'm missing directions of use, demonstration on how to use products.

Now don't get me wrong, I generally know how to use the products I buy, but I am paying good money for these products and I want to know how to use them to the best of their ability, how to get the most out of them.

I know there are a lot of Youtube tutorials out their on how to use things and the best way but it never seems to be on the things I need it to be on, for example the best amount of moisturiser for my skin type.

does that make sense ?
does anyone else feel the same way ?

Kezia

driving update

so I am on my 7th driving lesson and things seem to be going well ( i haven't crashed so i think thats a plus). I'm still having really bad anxiety the day and night before a lesson but I'm doing it, I get in that car and i drive...

my paranoia isn't to bad until I realise what I'm doing and that other people can see, which happens now and then and every time I have to stop at traffic lights, which lucky hasn't been to often.

Im quite happy with my progress so far but being a perfectionist makes it difficult for me to accept anything less than perfect from myself.

The thing about....anxiety

The thing with anxiety is even when you're happy or comfortable with something, it's still there, it's still offering unhealthy and harmful thoughts, still nudging the back of your mind, it doesn't let you forget.
It wants to be felt, it wants you to know.

I am getting better with correcting these thoughts and trying to stop them before they escalate, but it's still a struggle.

Angry at myself

I get so fucking angry some times and this is something I have spoken about with therapists and been to anger management about and it doesn't work, even the therapists have said it doesn't work it's just there to make people feel better.

Anyway, some of the worst times I've felt angry is when I'm angry at myself, today for example I'm angry at myself because I saw someone doing something I've wanted to do for about 8 years but haven't got the confidence and such to do it, so I'm angry and frustrated and just AAARRGGH!!

I hate it, yes I'd rather be angry at myself than someone else but I tend to be self destructive when I'm angry at myself, the other problem is it doesn't motivate me, it makes me shut down.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but it's done now so...

Second, first driving lesson

I did it! So I spent the morning shaking and feeling sick and I may or may not have cried...but I did it, I left the house and I drove.

I must admit I was glad when it was over, but I'm also so proud of myself for doing it, I shook through the lesson but didn't crash and that's always a good thing. 

Anxiety has stopped me from doing things so many time that I kind of get used to it, this time I'm so determind to do this and see it through. 

Anxiety can not rule my life (it will probably still rule most of it though, only for now!)

I got this!

Learning to drive....again.

Being 22 and not being able to drive sucks, there is so much I think I might be able to do if only I had a way to get there. So I'm restarting my driving lessons tomorrow! Tomorrow! I have been quite on edge since it was booked, shakes and having to remember to breathe because just the thought so filling me with anxiety and oh my god!

  I know I'll do it, I want to, but that doesn't make it any easier..so here goes nothing...

Complicated simplicity

Life is so...I don't want to say complicated but I suppose it's a cliche for a reason.

Not because it is or because we make it so, but because that's all we know, the wars our countries fight are complicated, the way our governments work is complicated. 

Nothing is as simple as it should be, we have to ask ourselves 20 questions before we allow ourselves to buy that Top or those shoes.

We have to ask the exact right questions to the exact right person to get any help or answers, because no one will offer up their help.

I don't understand why people can't just be honest, why people don't offer help, why nothing is as simple as it should be.

One if my new goals is to live simply, be honest, help people, if I want something I'll get it, because this money and these houses, my phone, none of it will mean anything when I'm ill or dead.

I lied!!

I suck as a human! I can't commit! But I'm going to keep fucking trying and that's all I  can do.

So this past few weeks I realised how much time I spend wishing to be like others, be it have their sense of style or their lifestyle, i haven't been happy with myself and that sucks. And because I've spent so much time thinking like this I've forgotten what I want as me. Who am I ? What do I like? Where is this going ? Feeling like I'm stuck in a bit of rut.

On the plus side I've been quite productive these past couple of days and I'm proud of that.

Oh I am so going to start celebrating small victories.

Peace and love. Kez x