It has been a while

I really suck at this blogging thing, I really want to do it and so it well, maybe it's because I'm lazy, maybe it's because of my insecurities, maybe a mix of both, but I'm going to keep trying and who knows maybe I'll actually post regularly.

A thing I miss

You know what I am missing in my life ?

I'm missing directions of use, demonstration on how to use products.

Now don't get me wrong, I generally know how to use the products I buy, but I am paying good money for these products and I want to know how to use them to the best of their ability, how to get the most out of them.

I know there are a lot of Youtube tutorials out their on how to use things and the best way but it never seems to be on the things I need it to be on, for example the best amount of moisturiser for my skin type.

does that make sense ?
does anyone else feel the same way ?

Kezia

driving update

so I am on my 7th driving lesson and things seem to be going well ( i haven't crashed so i think thats a plus). I'm still having really bad anxiety the day and night before a lesson but I'm doing it, I get in that car and i drive...

my paranoia isn't to bad until I realise what I'm doing and that other people can see, which happens now and then and every time I have to stop at traffic lights, which lucky hasn't been to often.

Im quite happy with my progress so far but being a perfectionist makes it difficult for me to accept anything less than perfect from myself.

The thing about....anxiety

The thing with anxiety is even when you're happy or comfortable with something, it's still there, it's still offering unhealthy and harmful thoughts, still nudging the back of your mind, it doesn't let you forget.
It wants to be felt, it wants you to know.

I am getting better with correcting these thoughts and trying to stop them before they escalate, but it's still a struggle.

Angry at myself

I get so fucking angry some times and this is something I have spoken about with therapists and been to anger management about and it doesn't work, even the therapists have said it doesn't work it's just there to make people feel better.

Anyway, some of the worst times I've felt angry is when I'm angry at myself, today for example I'm angry at myself because I saw someone doing something I've wanted to do for about 8 years but haven't got the confidence and such to do it, so I'm angry and frustrated and just AAARRGGH!!

I hate it, yes I'd rather be angry at myself than someone else but I tend to be self destructive when I'm angry at myself, the other problem is it doesn't motivate me, it makes me shut down.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but it's done now so...

Second, first driving lesson

I did it! So I spent the morning shaking and feeling sick and I may or may not have cried...but I did it, I left the house and I drove.

I must admit I was glad when it was over, but I'm also so proud of myself for doing it, I shook through the lesson but didn't crash and that's always a good thing. 

Anxiety has stopped me from doing things so many time that I kind of get used to it, this time I'm so determind to do this and see it through. 

Anxiety can not rule my life (it will probably still rule most of it though, only for now!)

I got this!

Learning to drive....again.

Being 22 and not being able to drive sucks, there is so much I think I might be able to do if only I had a way to get there. So I'm restarting my driving lessons tomorrow! Tomorrow! I have been quite on edge since it was booked, shakes and having to remember to breathe because just the thought so filling me with anxiety and oh my god!

  I know I'll do it, I want to, but that doesn't make it any easier..so here goes nothing...