The journey to loving myself

This year every week or every other week I will be make a post about either what I did that week or what I am planning for the week ahead of a task or similar for finding self love.

Loving myself is something I have always struggled with so this year I want to change that and I hope if anyone reads this or future posts they find something helpful.

Here's to a new year and all the amazing things to come.

Love Kez.

Dear world

Why do things happen ? Why are things the way they are? Why can't something's be changed ? 

Why are some of us forced to live this way and I say that as one of the lucky ones, and if I'm suffering and I'm lucky I can't even fathom how the unlucky ones suffer.

Why is it so hard to change the world for the better but it's so easily corrupt?

Dear life, please point me in the direction of the closest exit becuse I can't watch nor be a part of this anymore.

If this generation are this bad I don't want to see what the next has in store.

Dear world, why is it so easy for us to destroy you and yet you're the only one we have and once that ends so do we.

 Why do we not realise our mortality until it's to late ? 

Why do I have so many questions and why are so many unnswered ? 

The darkness

This is just something I wrote a little while ago and re read recently and felt a power from it.

It's those of us that feel abandoned by our families and friends. Those of us who feel outcast and ignored. It's us that turn to darkness when light fails us.  And if this light is so good why did it fail us in the first place. Why am I and everyone like me left to fend for ourselves left to realise the mind is an awful place to think, the heart it a horrible place to stay and that nothing can mean anything with out both and none of all of it, that we are all alone, lost, searching, confused, angry.

As I sit surrounded by a promise of light, I feel trapped and lost all at once, I feel scared and powerful, weak and indestructible. I cannot think one train of thought, for the mind doesn't not stop, but I must as I am pulled in so many directions, to so many "lights" that the darkness comforts me, as I sleep I'm held in it's arms, as I breathe I inhale it, while I close my eyes it relaxes me. 

For darkness does not make promises it cannot keep, it just offers what it has with honesty.

In darkness I am me, not a me as seen by others, not a me as thought of by others, not even the me I think of myself, but the truest me. 

I am left both defenceless and protected, and not once do I feel pulled or pushed or forced, I feel peace,honesty, openness. I cannot always live in darkness, or so I am told, but I do not have to for the darkness can live in me.


This is my work and may not be used without credit. 

Left behind

Being in your early twenties is supposed to one of the best times of your life. 

Your "supposed" to be doing great things, finishing university, finding a great job, finding "the one".

We're taught from a young age that there is a sort of "list" of things we're supposed to do in life, and for people like me who don't know what they want to do, or what they want from life yet feel left behind, like we're failing at a life we've bearly begun to explore.

And that's the thing, there is no list of things we have to do, no time limit to when and what we do.

I'm still struggling with this myself, while I watch people I went to school with starting families of their own, graduating and getting their dream job, I'm sitting at home thinking "what the actuall fuck" as I realise my mum's not home and I'm going to have to cook for myself.

We have to remember time is a human conception, we invented time,no other spiecies lives to minutes and hours like we do. 

We don't need to know what we want to do at 22 even at 32. There is no hurry, just focus on being ourselves and being human. Dolphins don't panic about being rich and famous, dogs don't worry about what time they have to get up. 

Do what you feel is right for you right now. 

Hopefully I'll get better at remembering this myself. 

Say hello to my likkle friend!

No but seriously I wanted to show off my adorable little kitty.

His name is Timmy. 

He is part Norwegian forest cat and I loves him.   

I've had him for about 2years and got him when he was 14weeks old although I met him when he was only 10 weeks old.

This is Timmy facetiming with Sherif (my besties bunny)

This is him hiding in a McDonalds bag hehe!

This is where he sleeping while I write this.

It was right

I didn't apologise because I felt I had done something wrong. Infact I don't think I was in the wrong, the way the person perceived what I said was wrong, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't apologise, I just chose my words carefully, I apologised for making them feel about about themself. I didn't nessasarily apologise for me but for them to try and make them feel bette because they're important to me.

It's not alway easy to do what's right instead of what you think. This time I did it. It was a small step but a step in a good direction non the less.

Did you do the right thing today ?

Uk Health system

I have been having regular appointments with my doctor for years now. You'd think at this point he'd know what medication I take ( as it is literally written on the computer screen in front if him).

Or read my file quickly before I come in.

And the lack of funding for so many medical services is ridiculous, people are nothing without their health, because we'd be dead, so you would think things that involve keeping people alive get funding first and then the government can pay themselves an extra 20k for sitting on their arses fucking us over.

I hope if anyone else is struggling through the healthcare system, you know that the more you kick off the further you get ( just try not to be rude and mean to those who don't deserve it )

Peace and love 

Kezia

Ps. This is just my expirence and oppinion so please take it so.  

DIY white board

If you read my previous post you'll know that we're in the middle of moving and are stressed to never land and beyond. I also wrote about how much I'm in love with white boards and how handy they've been. 

So here's a cute and easy diy for making your own to suit your style and to look nice even when it's not in use :) 

What you'll need

Picture frame. (I chose this one as I had it laying around)

Wrapping paper or wall paper

A pencil

Scissors

1

Take the frame apart.

2

Use the card insert and place it on your paper ( I did it on the front to show you but I normally do it on the back so to avoid pencil marks) and mark out the size of paper you'll need to cut.

3

Cut paper to the size of your marks

4

Check everything fits 

Put your frame back together with the paper inserted where the picture would normally go, grab a dry wipe marker and write away.

Remember to have fun with it. 

These would make great gifts for those friends that are forgetful or that are heading to college/uni.

Hope you enjoy making yours.

Peace and love.

Moving!

Arrgghh! Moving is stressful. Packing everything and making sure it's lableled, throwing away rubbish. 

Now this is just the start for us as we are currently living in a rented house that came furnished, so we don't own any furniture minus one single bed and a bookcase.

So now we're trying to find somewhere to live, find furniture, and a bunch of other complicated stuff.

Our saviour ? 

White boards and dry wipe markers! 

 

This one is from sports direct ( sportsdirect.com ) and is £1.50 (can you say bargain).

It's magnetic, wipe clean and comes with a magnetic dry wipe pen.

You can also get ones that you hang on a wall, but I can't even express how much this has come in handy not just for moving but for everyday things too. 

We put shopping lists, important events and just notes to one another on it.

I highly recommend investing in on or look out for my diy post on making a cool one yourself :) 

I hope the week goes well.

Peace and love 

Kezia.

STRESS !!

Stress who'd do it !

 

Stress is one of those things that sometimes jumps at you and is unavoidable.

Now some people cope with stress or eliminate their stress easily and well, but me and my family....well not so much.

We're in the middle of moving and a bunch of other stressful things that are unavoidable and winding down seems like a foreign concept.

I hope anyone else who is currently feeling stressed about something(s). Knows that the chances are it won't last forever and remember that if you can change something that's causing you stress 

, do it! If you can't, forget it! (I know I'm a hypocrite) 

Good luck

Kezia

Anxiety the killer

Anxiety is a killer, it causes so much pain and destruction.

   It kills your confidence and self esteem, it kills your happiness, it kills your hobbies. 

It takes it all and at this point in my life it's killing me.

  I have yet to find my fight, I'm trying but anyone who suffers with anxiety will tell you, it's hard.

It's hard to ask for help when you have an anxiety attack just at the thought of leaving the house or making a phone call or talking to someone you don't know.

  Family and friends are so important when you suffer with anxiety because they are/ can be your first port of call and I know from experience it's not easy, they might not understand but they love you and want you to be happy so they can help you get help.

Now at this point a lot of people with anxiety will go 

     " yeah um but..."

      " what if...."

And might say they feel like a burden and they don't want to cause any problems....well STOP !

  I know you might not believe me but I'm telling you.

   You are not a burden!

You may also think it's not that bad or others have it worse so why should you complain..if something is causing you problems and/or feel bad and not letting you live your life the way you have every right too then it is fucking important!

And please never feel like it's only anxiety if you have this symptom or suffer that way. If you're having a problem get help. You're loved sand things will get better. 

   We'll get through this. 

Kezia 

Image from Tumblr

Pet sitting

So this past week I have been pet and house sitting for friends while they went to Download (can you feel the jealousy seeping out of me) and during this week I realised..

I rely waaaayy to much on the internet to get me through a day. This may come across silly as I'm writing this on the internet, but what I mean is I seem to have forgotten what I used to do, like read and write, paint, excersise, anything....suddenly all I know is YouTube, tumblr and weheartit. 

Connecting with people is what helps us learn and inspires us to be creative and unique.

Animals are amazing, the way both us and them have found ways to communicate between species is fascinating.

Also I have amazing friends and a phenomenal family.

So remember to tell those who matter to you, you love them.

Love and respect animals and they will reciprocate. 

You are loved.

I hope you have a great week.

Experiencing life

I know I have been neglecting you for a while but like the title of my blog says I'm trying life (not doing so great so far). But we learn from our mistakes right ? Right ? 

I'm still going and working through some things but I'll try and get on more maybe even tell you about them.

I hope I can remember that each day isn't the be all and end all, I can change anything and everything if I want it enough. I am not limited by anyone's boundaries but my own and even they are flexible. 

Peace and love

The simple things

Earlier this week the child I look after (let's call him Adam) and I went to feed the ducks, I myself haven't done this for a few years, but watching Adam and just being there in the moment was something I think I've been missing in my life recently.

His little giggle every time a duck picked up the bread he threw was adorable, so innocent and full of joy, yet what we were doing was so simple. I had so much fun watching him and joining in.

I have missed the small and simple things.

So memo to self, enjoy everything no matter how small or simple it may seem.

A lack of new year resolutions

This year I didn't really set myself any New Years resolutions. 

I never stick to them when I do.

I did however set myself some goals for the future, I took my time and made some plans and have come up with, what I hope are some achievable (and fun) goals

I'm going to be more organised. I know it's very clichéd, but I really suck at organization.

I'm starting by organizing my living space, it's going to be a long and ongoing process but it will be woth it.

I'm also going to learn, I love learning, and I want to make the saying 'you learn something new everyday' to be something I can honestly say I do. 

What about you what are your goals and resolutions for this new year ? 

Peace and love

Kezia