driving update

so I am on my 7th driving lesson and things seem to be going well ( i haven't crashed so i think thats a plus). I'm still having really bad anxiety the day and night before a lesson but I'm doing it, I get in that car and i drive...

my paranoia isn't to bad until I realise what I'm doing and that other people can see, which happens now and then and every time I have to stop at traffic lights, which lucky hasn't been to often.

Im quite happy with my progress so far but being a perfectionist makes it difficult for me to accept anything less than perfect from myself.

The thing about....anxiety

The thing with anxiety is even when you're happy or comfortable with something, it's still there, it's still offering unhealthy and harmful thoughts, still nudging the back of your mind, it doesn't let you forget.
It wants to be felt, it wants you to know.

I am getting better with correcting these thoughts and trying to stop them before they escalate, but it's still a struggle.

Angry at myself

I get so fucking angry some times and this is something I have spoken about with therapists and been to anger management about and it doesn't work, even the therapists have said it doesn't work it's just there to make people feel better.

Anyway, some of the worst times I've felt angry is when I'm angry at myself, today for example I'm angry at myself because I saw someone doing something I've wanted to do for about 8 years but haven't got the confidence and such to do it, so I'm angry and frustrated and just AAARRGGH!!

I hate it, yes I'd rather be angry at myself than someone else but I tend to be self destructive when I'm angry at myself, the other problem is it doesn't motivate me, it makes me shut down.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but it's done now so...

Second, first driving lesson

I did it! So I spent the morning shaking and feeling sick and I may or may not have cried...but I did it, I left the house and I drove.

I must admit I was glad when it was over, but I'm also so proud of myself for doing it, I shook through the lesson but didn't crash and that's always a good thing. 

Anxiety has stopped me from doing things so many time that I kind of get used to it, this time I'm so determind to do this and see it through. 

Anxiety can not rule my life (it will probably still rule most of it though, only for now!)

I got this!

Learning to drive....again.

Being 22 and not being able to drive sucks, there is so much I think I might be able to do if only I had a way to get there. So I'm restarting my driving lessons tomorrow! Tomorrow! I have been quite on edge since it was booked, shakes and having to remember to breathe because just the thought so filling me with anxiety and oh my god!

  I know I'll do it, I want to, but that doesn't make it any easier..so here goes nothing...

Complicated simplicity

Life is so...I don't want to say complicated but I suppose it's a cliche for a reason.

Not because it is or because we make it so, but because that's all we know, the wars our countries fight are complicated, the way our governments work is complicated. 

Nothing is as simple as it should be, we have to ask ourselves 20 questions before we allow ourselves to buy that Top or those shoes.

We have to ask the exact right questions to the exact right person to get any help or answers, because no one will offer up their help.

I don't understand why people can't just be honest, why people don't offer help, why nothing is as simple as it should be.

One if my new goals is to live simply, be honest, help people, if I want something I'll get it, because this money and these houses, my phone, none of it will mean anything when I'm ill or dead.

I lied!!

I suck as a human! I can't commit! But I'm going to keep fucking trying and that's all I  can do.

So this past few weeks I realised how much time I spend wishing to be like others, be it have their sense of style or their lifestyle, i haven't been happy with myself and that sucks. And because I've spent so much time thinking like this I've forgotten what I want as me. Who am I ? What do I like? Where is this going ? Feeling like I'm stuck in a bit of rut.

On the plus side I've been quite productive these past couple of days and I'm proud of that.

Oh I am so going to start celebrating small victories.

Peace and love. Kez x